Finale Recap: Let Me Be Your "Hell Yes"
Labradorite and more in Netflix's 'The Ultimatum: Queer Love' Finale + Reunion
The Yearning Rating: ✰✰✰½
Romance: ✰✰✰
Sex: ✰
Storytelling: ✰✰
Performance: ✰✰✰✰
Yearning: ✰✰✰✰✰ (all Xander)
1 ♥ = 1 kiss (and a Netflix engagement ring)
Spoilers for the proposal outcomes and reunion reveals. In addition to my sparkling insight, like last time I will run some updated power rankings for TU:QL contestants in the style of Hunter Harris. If you want to see where I started from, you can read my first recap here.
Written by Meg Heim
Has anyone else noticed that, somewhere over the course of the season, the phrase “I wanted you to be my ‘hell yes’” became a thing for the participants in The Ultimatum: Queer Love? I genuinely want to know if I was the only one who got stuck on this. I think it stayed with me because the personification of compatibility in this way is so…random. I spent too long trying to track down every time this was repeated—
—but from what I can remember, this was a one-off phrase utilized by an Ultimatum giver (Xander? Yoly?) as grounds for their initial argument, i.e., why they were justified in giving an ultimatum, at some point during the first week of dating. But just like the smoke clouding our New York City skies, the phrase spread like Canadian wildfire. It became a set point; it was the ever-enviable metric each trial spouse dreamed of.
It was brought up so often and with such urgency, that I started to hear it in my head to the tune of “Let Me Be Your Star” (from the gone-too-soon show SMASH). If you haven’t noticed the hell yeahs, well, now you will. Probably when you rewatch for the second or third time with friends (because this show is meant to be paused incessantly and discussed with gusto).
After eight intense episodes, we’ve watched our lovers enter into trial marriages, get nipples pierced, go to gay Mexican restaurants, and return to their scorned original partners with feeble attempts to make amends. When everyone has moved back in with their “ex”, the edit is carefully balanced. Everyone fights enough and cuddles on the couch enough that it seemed like it could go either way, for any of them.
The finale picks up exactly where Episode 8 left off.
After being individually chauffeured to their proposal gazebo in massive GMC Yukons, Mal proposes to Yoly. Unfortunately for Mal, they have been white-knuckling this relationship since Episode 7 (aptly named ‘Cocktails and Confrontation’). She asks Yoly to marry her, cheesing through the entire thing like she has absolutely no doubts and has somehow come up with the funds necessary to jump straight into IVF.
This surprised me, because Mal has shined throughout this entire process as someone who seems incredibly in tune with themselves. They’re a great communicator and an even better listener. Tension and resentment crept into their dynamic once they moved back in with Yoly, but they seemed to still have clarity and peace of mind—up until a point. Maybe Yoly wins because she’s not 24 (sorry Lexi).
Even more surprisingly, Yoly says yes! She says so with an almost-imperceptible nod of her head and absolutely zero smile on her face. So…nice! Their proposal seems to be tinged more by relief and less by genuine happiness.
Ultimatum: I, Mal: 0
Once Tiff launched into an approximately twenty minute speech about how complex/incredible/unfathomable their relationship with Mildred was, I knew that this proposal was happening. I was a little sad for Tiff, who I feel like is struggling with some negative behavior cycles as well an unhealthy level of attachment to her dog. Her trial marriage with Sam, while completely lacking chemistry whatsoever, was beautiful because we got to see what Tiff without her guard up was like—a goofy, silly butch!
This proposal happened, and in their interview after, Mildred was already picking at Tiff. She said with ‘love’, “You’re so stupid, babe!” As the couple teetered off into the sunset, they began fighting again and all was right with the universe.
Ultimatum: II, Tiff: 0
This proposal episode reeks of one massive Locations permit for an entire botanic garden within the San Diego city limits. I’ve been rooting and tooting for Sam since the beginning; I think the fact that she is so sweet, even-tempered and well adjusted doesn’t lend itself to the most thrilling drama and so we haven’t seen as much of her in the show. If anything, she is too understanding and tolerant of Aussie running away at the drop of a confrontational hat. Her interviews and the escalating tension between the two of them really made me think Sam was going to walk away single—from either not being proposed to, or by not accepting Aussie’s proposal. So you can imagine my surprise when…after first giving her a heart-shaped Labradorite rock1 to ward off bad vibes…Aussie actually did propose to Sam. Sam’s response to the rock was a hilarious “Um…thanks” and I thought they were dead in the water.
But not the case! Sam says yes and Aussie has somehow overcome Aussie’s fear of everything. Sam is a thoughtful, intelligent, and funny dork and I think Aussie is holding her back!
Ultimatum: III, Aussie: 0
The moment we’ve all been I’ve waiting for—it’s Xander and Vanessa’s turn to walk through the faux woods. Their trial marriage together has been hard for me to watch, because Vanessa is toxic and manipulative and frankly, reminds me of my ex. I wondered if Xander would have the strength to distinguish Vanessa’s sincerity (or lack thereof) from their longtime desire to finally hear her say those things [marriage and a family]. I was yelling at the TV, begging them to consider that abusive people don’t change like that on a dime and that—as it has been since the second Xander showed interest in Yoly—Vanessa only wants to ensure that she can keep them for herself.
I’m absolutely thrilled that Xander does not propose! With the opportunity lost, Vanessa is ‘crushed’. She mentions that she’s “just been accepting the breadcrumbs” of love that she’s been getting from Xander [eye roll]. Vanessa immediately tries to regain control and begins talking about ways that the two of them could eventually get back together, in the future, or maybe in another life when they’re both birds. Vanessa, I’m sorry but your love is not The Notebook. Xander is so vulnerable here, and it’s clear that they are really, genuinely sad.
Ultimatum: III, Xander: I
Xander and Yoly’s meetup was so hard to watch, because the two are so sweet with each other. They have a giggly, familiar chemistry; it is the exact stuff of those first few lovesick months in a new relationship. That, plus their aligned values and priorities (babies babies babies) make them an easy match! They seem genuinely compatible. They can’t keep their hands off each other, even as Xander senses accurately that its all coming crashing down.
When you see Xander and Yoly together, you can’t help but feel that her accepting Mal’s proposal has a lot more to do with obligation than love. As you watch the two talk and try to suss out where the other stands, you feel like Yoly is making the wrong choice.
Ultimatum: ?? Xander: 😔
After Lexi smoothes out her orange bandeau dress for the 18th time, she and Rae meet at a greenhouse. They’re both dressed for the clurb, and they keep their little bags on the whole time. Rae is giddy and breathless and Lexi is still talking in that annoyingly hot, slightly emotionless way (I like the way she tells Rae, ‘you can have 60 seconds if you need ‘em). She talks about how Lexi makes perfect steak, and knows it.
Rae proposes, Lexi says yes! Then Lexi proposes back. As a double-proposer myself, I always support this. They seem happy and back to normal, but after their ups and downs in their trial marriage I was a little surprised this was such an easy decision for the two of them. They clearly have chemistry, but Lexi is famously only 24 and a bit of an emotional bulldozer. They are not what each other needs.
Ultimatum: IV, Rae: 0
Updated Power Rankings (after the Reunion)
Soooo many of you2 have tried to get these out of me. Without further ado, may I present:
10. Mildred
Engagement: ended
The reveals for Mildred at the Reunion are W-I-L-D. I cannot condone physical or emotional abuse, so she is at the bottom of the power ranking for me. I don’t think it was appropriate to ask Tiff to be in the same room as her, much less film a reunion special together.
9. Vanessa
Engagement: never happened
Vanessa shared a lot at the reunion about regretting the impression she made on the other contestants on the show, as well as mourning the loss of Xander as a friend and lover. She also revealed details about Xander and Yoly’s attempts to rekindle their relationship after the show unprompted. I feel like Vanessa’s “growth” is 99.99% an act. As Lexi put it so aptly to Mommy and Daddy in Episode 5, “she is living out her acting dreams”. At one point, she apologizes to the group for “being so bold”. Mal’s muted look of disdain in response is me. Similarly to Mildred, I am not able to overlook or excuse her toxicity and abuse towards Xander!
8. Aussie
Engagement: still going!!
Aussie is one lucky Aussie. I think Sam is such a catch, and that has nothing to do with the fact that she commented on one of The Yearning’s Instagram posts this week. Aussie has now shared on a few occasions that they are working towards a better understanding of Aussie’s own gender identity and tackling childhood traumas that they’ve faced. This is all incredibly important, but per the updates available on this Netflix Tudum page, there are still zero plans in place for Aussie’s wedding to Sam. The priorities are still Aussie’s healing and theirs as a couple. It makes me wonder if the support in their relationship continues to be unevenly distributed.
7. Yoly
Engagement: ended
I feel a little vindicated here because I never totally trusted Yoly. FWIW, Mal’s concerns of Yoly going gaga over a new love interest very quickly were totally accurate. That, combined with how she was repeatedly dishonest with Mal is red flaggy. I feel like she is calculating, and it is easy to understand why you wouldn’t feel safe with someone in a relationship like that.
6. Rae
Engagement: ended
This was a surprise Netflix tacked on at the very end of the reunion. During the reunion, Rae and Lexi are still engaged and very happy (see below for hell yes proof). She seems to have a lot more self awareness and is being slightly less self-deprecating, which is what I like to see! She is also humble, and genuinely apologizes again for hurting Lexi by sleeping with Vanessa.
5. Tiff
Engagement: ended (thankfully)
Like I said before, Tiff grew on me so much this season through their relationship with their Trial Wife, Sam. (Despite the cheuginess). For the first time, I think we see the full force of Mildred’s anger taken out on Tiff and it is scary. You can see Tiff is fighting as hard as they can to not escalate, but they’re no match for Mildred’s tactical expertise in gaslighting. I think they were brave to walk out and take some space.
4. Lexi
Engagement: ended
Lexi really fixated on Vanessa this season and it ended up coming across a bit immature. What started as whip-smart analysis of Vanessa’s motives and no fear in calling her out on her bullshit eventually devolved into light bullying and punishing Vanessa at every possible opportunity. She had an extremely hard time forgiving Rae for having sex with Vanessa and made sure she never forgot it. Lexi is such a strong personality and totally fearless when it comes to confrontation—but she needs to work on balancing these with some nuance and perspective.
3. Sam
Engagement: still going
I’ve already sung Sam’s praises many times in this newsletter so I won’t repeat myself. But at the reunion, when Tiff walks out totally distraught, Sam doesn’t miss a beat before jumping up to go and support her friend. She is calm, but firm. She reassures Tiff and helps them feel safe before sending them home. Sam will not be f*cked with by producers who want Tiff to come back inside, or anyone else. Sam is first and foremost a support system. Secondly, she’s a star.
I also think its worth saying that, while I’m concerned that she is sacrificing too much to continue to be with Aussie, the two are clearly so compatible. They make each other laugh and smile so easily and have so many small, private moments of communication; it’s very clear that they have a shared happiness.
2. Mal
Engagement: happily ended (their words)
Mal had a rough go of it. They got engaged to someone who’s heart was never really in it and who was repeatedly testing them, even up through the proposal. (Every other thing Yoly said was reminding them that they’re going to need to be better about ____ when they’re married) They’re also mourning Yoly as a friend and a a part of their world, and referenced several times how hard that adjustment has been for them. To hear that Yoly continued to be dishonest with them about her relationship with Xander and a planned visit to see them was icing on the cake. Mal deserves better!
1. Xander
Engagement: never happened
Xander realized how unhealthy her relationship with Vanessa was and chose to break that pattern of toxicity. In a relationship like theirs, manipulation feels normal and returning to that familiar cycle can almost be comforting in its familiarity. Its easy to hold so much empathy and compassion for your partner that you have none for yourself, and so you lose sight of what’s in your own best interest. I was particularly bolstered by the fact that they are no contact with Vanessa. Go Xander!!
Xander led with vulnerability, always. They came in with an extremely clear idea of what they wanted—a fiancée, a baby making plan—but were brave enough to walk away from it when they realized the options as is were going to do more harm than good. And that is so hard, especially if you want it badly.
Next week on The Yearning, Ali will third wheel as she reviews Season 3 of Max’s The Other Two.
There was a minute on Tiktok where all these girls were making videos saying that someone gave them a Labradorite stone one year ago and since then they’ve been promoted/won the lottery/gotten a free boob job etc. a massive positive turnover in their life. The videos were all like, ooooooh, you’ve been warned! These rocks are powerful!
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