Power Rankings: 'The Ultimatum' is like Queer, Weaponized Wife Swap
Messy, manufactured U-Hauling in Netflix’s ‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love’
The Yearning Rating: ✰✰✰
Romance: ✰✰✰
Sex: ✰✰✰
Storytelling: ✰
Performance: ✰✰✰½
Yearning: ✰✰✰
I’m giving you an ultimatum—consider hitting the little ♥ button on this post (jk). It helps us grow on Substack!
I wouldn’t say that there are spoilers ahead. Today, I’m going to be breaking down the players we have met in the first four episodes of The Ultimatum: Queer Love and rank them in the style of Hunter Harris’ power rankings (the cultural voice of our generation and platform).
Written by Meg Heim
Well, we did it, Joe. We finally pressured Netflix into making an all-gay reality TV show (I’m not acknowledging Queer Eye at this time). The Ultimatum: Queer Love is a continuation of the preexisting Netflix-Lachey cinematic universe of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On and Love is Blind.
In this iteration of The Ultimatum, five couples have eight weeks to make what is frequently billed as “the most important decision in their lives”: do they wanna marry their long term partner, a rando that they live with for three weeks, or nobody? Each preexisting couple has one partner who is ready for marriage and one who isn’t. The partner ready for marriage issues an ultimatum; this is what brings the duo to the Netflix table. Here, the dewy metal wine glasses and draped gauzy fabrics that we have come to expect with a Netflix original greet them with open arms and require each individual to choose a new partner (heretofore known as The Choice) for a 3-week “trial marriage”. Then, they’ll re-enter their original partnership for three more weeks. At the end, each original couple will either get engaged, get engaged to their new partner, or leave alone.
One of the cleverest things that The Ultimatum: Queer Love does is force these couples to “Break Up.” Bubbly, heterosexual host JoAnna Garcia Swisher spells this out for them on the first night: “They will now become your ex”. This is brilliant, because ex discourse runs rampant in queer culture; many of us suffer from a disease known as Going back to your ex that sucks. The language helps build the world of the show—a side effect of the rhetoric of “trial marriage” is that the people on the show begin referring to each other as “trial wives”.
To catch you up, the first four episodes that Netflix has given us so far take us through the Break Up, a week of dating, the Choice ceremony, and right about to the end of the 3-week trial marriages. If you feel like the first episode or two drags a bit, stay with me because I promise these episodes just keep getting better.
Okay, lets meet our contestants:
Aussie (42, pronouns: Aussie)
Ultimatum receiver
Original Partner: Sam
Australian accent…name is Aussie…I have questions (this is unaddressed)
As far as I can tell, Aussie is the oldest person on the show. Aussie is kind of boring; they don’t seem able to bring the energy or fight to liven up their moments. They are almost never interviewed solo because they sort of have nothing to say. Bottom rank for you, mate!
9. Rae (27, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum receiver
Original Partner: Lexi
Extremely apathetic vibes
I think these vibes are more likely coming from a lack of confidence, but Rae seems to be along for the ride. She receives a highly edited, veiled warning from Lexi about her Choice, which she mostly disregards. She doesn't feel ready to get married to her partner Lexi (who at 24 is demanding to be a child bride) but she doesn’t seem that jazzed about anything really.
8. Tiff (32, pronouns: they/them)
Ultimatum receiver (noticing a trend here!)
Original Partner: Mildred
Tenderhearted butch who needs to work a bit on communication
Tiff made a critical first impression on me when it was revealed that they met their OG partner, Mildred, by searching the hashtag #LatinaLesbian on Instagram (love). They have sweet, softie butch vibes and were able to accurately communicate that their concerns with committing to Mildred have to do with a real lack of stability between the two of them. They come across level headed initially; unfortunately, they really fly off the handle about their dog not being allowed to sleep on the bed. It’s waaaaay too much.
7. Mildred (33, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum giver
Original Partner: Tiff
Aforementioned #LesbianLatina
Mildred is accused of weaponizing breakups and sometimes returning as little as 2 hours later, wanting to get back together. She also has the worst (read: none) reasons for wanting to be married. When explaining why she dished out this ultimatum, it becomes clear that to her, marriage is proof of a healthy, secure relationship. Which is backwards, babe. Mildred also has a habit of taking out her frustrations on anyone around her. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a single mom–she is very reluctant to discuss this–and I’m sensing that deep down she’s craving a real, committed partner in raising and caring for them.
6. Yoly (34, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum giver
Original Partner: Mal
Serial monogamist, middle of the pack
Yoly is ready to move forward, begin family planning and set down roots (despite only dating Mal for 3 years)! Their central conflict—that they would get married, but Mal doesn’t have enough money saved up for a house, IVF, college funds?—seemed super antiquated to me and made me initially skeptical of Mal. Yoly has a very clear understanding of what she wants and she isn’t easily swayed. She tends to play her cards close to her chest. I sense we have more to learn here, but I think she’s been accessing more vulnerability with her Trial-Spouse and I’m happy to see that.
5. Xander (30, pronouns: she/they)
Ultimatum giver
Original Partner: Vanessa
Earnest, passionate, androgynous
Xander seems like the total package! They are a strong communicator and stay remarkably level headed while facing off against Vanessa. They are also extremely cute!!! Xander is angling to settle down as well—they’re super ready to get married, have babies etc. Xander’s issue is that she is still working out how to get out from under Vanessa’s thumb. She often defends her and her actions, insisting that “she is the only one in the world who understands her''. Her #5 spot reflects a moment that I was very proud of, when she cuts off Vanessa-inspired vitriol from others by saying, “I’m not here to continue talking about Vanessa”. This doesn’t stop the conversation from continuing, but I was proud of them for finding that clarity.
4. Sam (31, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum giver
Original Partner: Aussie
With therapy comes power 🙏🏻
Sam was a dark horse here and if you’re not getting this placement yet, you’ll need to get through Episode 4 to understand. Sam is not easily riled. Sam’s Trial-Spouse, Tiff is too obsessed with their dog. Tiff uses this as an attempt to escalate over and over and over. Not only does Sam navigate the stormy waters of the Letting My Dog Sleep On the Bed Battle of 2023 with grace, she also serenely explains attachment theory over cocktails at a Group Night Out. When her avoidantly attached partner is activated, she knows that they need space and time to find neutral before they can work on conflict resolution. It’s music to my therapized ears!!
3. Mal (36, pronouns: she/they)
Ultimatum receiver
Original Partner: Yoly
Masc Rizz with Ease
So, like I said earlier–I had my doubts about Mal because of the initial hegemonic vibes of the-masc-must-provide. But that seems to be a one-time thing for Mal. Right from the beginning, as all the ex-couples enter the dating phase, Mal is charming. She is putting everyone at ease. She is cracking fun jokes and has an easy laugh. On top of that, she’s an excellent communicator and not afraid to be vulnerable! Of course, an edit can convince any of us of inherent goodness, but she seems to be a really good partner. She moderates conflict between others on the show at the Group Night Out and gave me this bit that I loved: “I don’t know what happened, I just know what my trial-wife told me” (lol).
2. Vanessa (30, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum receiver
Original Partner: Xander
Idina Menzel Body Double; Elphaba if she was actually the Wicked Witch
Woooooooooooooooow. Vanessa is so scary. Her ability to gaslight and manipulate while maintaining an unflappably positive and bubbly persona is alarming. From the very first moment we see Vanessa and Xander, you can tell that she is not taking Xander’s feelings into account. Xander is anxious, unsure, and sad; Vanessa is elated to start dating and doesn’t appear to even notice their distress. When the week of dating begins, Vanessa continues to pour on the charm, showering every date in effusive compliments and laughing with gut-punch gusto. But it’s too much, there is no way that its entirely genuine. Vanessa is 100% into dating everyone in sight, until Xander tells her that they are actually making a connection with someone. Her eyes fill with tears, as this one person is NOT OKAY, oh and also she has to go. It’s a classic manipulation tactic–that hot and cold creates a sense of pursuit that Xander is never going to be able to quell. She is toxic as hell. I wont spoil all the fun, but this is just the tip of the iceberg for Vanessa. Why so high in the ranking? Vanessa’s power lies in her manipulative behavior and the sheer influence she exerts over people. 😬
1. Lexi (24, pronouns: she/her)
Ultimatum giver
Original Partner: Rae
Confrontation Nation
The number one spot in our power rankings for the first four episodes of The Ultimatum: Queer Love has to go to Lexi. Lexi has a very mellow energy initially (especially for an Ultimatum Giver). She’s confident, hot, and thoughtful and has pretty much everyone drooling after her. She’s trying to decide on her trial marriage partner and is between Mal and Vanessa. That is, until her fateful last date with Vanessa. Vanessa turns off Lexi by admitting that she isn’t interested in marriage at all…and doesn’t even want an intimate relationship or emotional stability. She also admits (with pride) that she thinks there is no chance Xander will find someone else. Lexi is perturbed by this and calls her out, questioning why Vanessa would even come on the show if she wasn’t looking for either marriage or a new relationship. Lexi reads Vanessa within an inch of her life and also takes the first step down her warpath: Operation Why Is Vanessa Here??! When Lexi’s ex, Rae, chooses Vanessa for the trial-marriage things get even worse. Buckle up!
Trial-Marriage Pairings Spoilers and Rankings
Xander and Yoly
Mal and Lexi
Tiff and Sam
Aussie and Mildred
Rae and Vanessa
The back half of Episode 4 has just about everything we could hope for: weaponized therapy speak, finger discourse, and hardball questioning tactics that put Law & Order to shame. Mel Woods of Xtra Magazine put it better than I ever could: “But reader, I don’t care about any of that because the mess is here. AYTO’s Kai and Jenna walked so The Ultimatum’s Vanessa and Lexi could run.” Also, in true Netflix fashion, somehow none of the cast’s interviews include pronouns in their lower thirds. How hard could that have possibly been?
Episodes 5-8 of Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love will be available May 31st!
CANT WAIT TO WATCH