Power Ranking: All the Gay Animals on 'Queer Planet'
You too would write dumb stuff if you had the chance!!
The Yearning Rating: ✰ ½
Like this dumb post! We dare you!
The spoiler is that animals have homosexual sex. If you didn’t get that from the trailer, that's on you babes <3
Written by Meg Steinfeld-Heim
If the cast of Queer Eye was given both a break from their rigorous Netflix production schedule and a generous B-roll budget, they might all congregate at a nice sound stage in Atlanta with fresh, gleaming seamless. Then they’d hire 5-7 LGBTQ+ zoologists and make Queer Planet, a Peacock nature documentary about how plants and animals engage in homosexual habits. They’d be sure to hire a narrator who would slay the house down boots, and spend about 20 minutes writing a script that focuses around one central idea: despite what you might think, or all that you’ve been told, nature can be gay.
But it’s not natural! How do the babies get made?! Alright, alright keep your pants on…but more importantly, keep those questions coming. That’s exactly what Queer Planet wants. This documentary is intentionally inflammatory—doing things like calling flamingos bisexual or talking about how wild ferrets will use smooth pebbles as “vibrators”—and you have to respect it1. I just got a little tired of all the cute queer scientists saying the same three things:
Darwin and all the historic anthropologists were homophobic
Animals have always been, can be, and frequently are gay
The only stigma that exists towards queerness in the natural world is with humans. Animals are totally down to be little freaks! <3
Queer Planet is a bit repetitive, and struggles to walk the line between dispensing interesting, factual information and packaging itself in a fun, zippy, Pride Month-y way. We see lots of pretty animals from all different corners of the world, but I could’ve done with a deeper dive into the actual science. Class can be in session, even if school’s out and we all have tequila sodas in hand. One of the best calls they made was to hire Andrew Rannells (Elijah from Girls) to narrate. I think if they had hired Lena Dunham to punch up his jokes, then this would’ve been 3 stars, easy.
Anyway, fluff begets fluff. I’m doing power rankings of my favorite gay animals from Queer Planet. Here are my Top 7:
7. Spotted Hyenas
Hyenas really look like a cross between a leopard, a dog and a Build-a-Bear to me...But. They do live in female-dominated societies, with the matriarchal, alpha female hyenas largely outsizing all the lame-o dudes in their packs and calling all the shots. Which is cool. Another cool, casual thing is that they have clits so large that, at first glance, they can be mistaken for hyena penises. Very cool!
6. Giraffes
In the giraffe kingdom, not being queer makes you the exception. Giraffes are famous for having a very, very high incidence of queer behavior–especially in males. They travel in large, same-sex herds and settle their young-giraffe fights the only way they know how: necking (slapping their necks together). While this isn’t exactly like necking in the British slang sense, it often leads to the same thing. ;)
5. King Penguins
Love doesn’t always come easy for these sturdy birdies. Their matchmaking events are equivalent to standing in a football field looking for your partner while thousands of people who all look like them are also there. And everyone’s shouting. They can track down their paramours because they’ve spent so much time listening to them and learning their voice (active listening skills are very queer). Caring for eggs in the harsh subarctic environment that King Penguins are native to is really challenging–and same sex pairings are known for adopting abandoned eggs and raising them together, a choice that would make any pair of Chelsea daddies proud.
4. Yucatan Flamingos
These are the aforementioned ‘bisexual birds’! Where almost no other species can, these flamboyant filter feeders truly thrive in the harsh saltwater lagoon environments of Yucatan, Mexico. While their environmental resilience is certainly queer coded in its own right, I want to talk about their love of dance. When looking for a mate, these flamingos will all line up and flock (walk) in one direction, then sharply turn their heads and walk back the other way. Group choreo would be enough on its own to rank…but this particular flirting also involves bending over and showing hole. Respect!
3. Leopard Slugs
The section on Leopard Slugs may be the only 5 minutes of Queer Planet that are a must watch. Even if you, like me, are respectfully skeeved out by the creepy crawlies and ooey-gooeys, this mating ritual is just bonkers and gay as hell. Slugs are hermaphroditic organisms, meaning in a scientific sense that they contain both sexes within their bodies. Two potential mates climb a tree and descend on a high wire of mucus to entangle themselves romantically and literally. Then, translucent penises protrude from their foreheads and they impregnate each other. This fertility journey is literally a queer couples’ dream!!
2. Leafcutter Ants
These leafcutters are the dykiest organisms featured in Queer Planet by far!! They operate in a nearly single sex community, with their colonies having gotten rid of male ants almost entirely. This is sounding like the lesbian commune we’ve always dreamed of…Their name is pretty self-explanatory–while you may not actually see them in their native Costa Rican rainforests, you will see little pieces of leaves (that they’re carrying) walking around and minding their business. These dykes literally do yard work allll day–via cutting and carrying pounds of leaves back to their nest–in service of their Queen/Mommy.
1. Japanese Macaques
These adorable, pink-faced primates spend the majority of their winters soaking together in the hot springs at the base of Japanese mountains. Already, I can say that this particular manifestation of queer spa culture has my own bisexual stamp of approval on it. But they use this time not just to keep warm in cold Japanese winters, but to bond with each other and make meaningful connections in their matriarchal society. However, finding their place in the tribe is not based on dominance or submission–it’s based on intimacy: quality time, grooming each other, and soaking together in quiet company. Much like some of us are familiar with the queer-coded best friendship that eventually maybe turned into something more. That’s what these peaceful macaques are channeling. Also, they have tons of gay sex–often, if given a choice, female macaques will choose other female macaques as sexual partners over the males. Booking my ticket right now to this serene, sapphic retreat.
I have to be honest and say, I fell asleep while watching Queer Planet on two separate nights. It’s pretty silly, but full of beautiful nature footage and would be perfect to play on low volume during your Pride pregame this month. As long as you’re cool with gratuitous animal sex in the background of your friend hang!
Queer Planet is available to stream on Peacock now.
Next week on The Yearning, Ali reviews the Meg Stalter vehicle, Cora Bora.
Or not, my partner hated it