Spotlight: Not Your (Dance) Mom’s JoJo
The only thing scarier than a stage mommy is a military-industrial complex daddy
The Yearning Rating: ✰
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Written by Ali Romig
Let’s do a thought exercise. Imagine that you’re on the arctic mountaintops of New Zealand. You’re forced to strip down to your skivvies in front of your peers and change into approximately ten pounds of military-grade outerwear. I’m there, shouting at you about your “nasty little body.” Suddenly, you’re whisked off to a tightrope-like contraption suspended hundreds of feet above freezing cold rapids. You put one foot in front of the other, attempting to cross it. Then, you fall. Instead of crashing to the icy depths, you land on a janky folding cot inside of a bare wooden structure. Somewhere in the distance, an American flag snaps in the international winds. Before you can get your bearings, you hear your name being shouted repeatedly. You blink and find yourself in a small room in an undisclosed location. Me again—now I’m leaning forward, chin on palm, demanding you tell me about your childhood. You cry. I nod sympathetically, saddle you with a 100-pound rock, and send you on your way.
This is sort of what it feels like watching Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test. A tonal gallimaufry replete with self-hate, toxic mentorship, and physical trauma, the show is a uniquely American brand of anxiety-nightmare. If you’re like me, you’d probably never heard of Special Forces—which is apparently on its second season—until famed blonde-gay JoJo Siwa started incessantly promoting it. A few weeks ago, we asked our IG followers if they’d be interested in a Spotlight piece about Miss Siwa’s time on the show, and the answer was a resounding “OMG!” So, because I live to serve, I went into the trenches of network TV for you all.
Let’s start with the basics. What is this show about? Special Forces is billed as a “quasi-military training television series.” Go off, state TV! It’s led by four directing staff or “DS” (one is named Foxy) and features fourteen pseudo-celebrities whose agents are probably being fired as we speak. Narrated with the solemnity of a nature documentary, each episode sees the celebrities—or recruits, as they come to be known—complete a series of “modified” special forces training exercises. What does a “modified” training exercise look like? Picture American Ninja Warrior obstacle courses with the color-saturation turned down. This show absolutely reeks of locker room sweat—the vibe is such that the icky phrase “test of ball” (as in, “wow, standing over these hot coals barefoot is a real test of ball!”) is used more than once and no editor thinks to object.
Now that you know the premise, you may be asking yourself, “what is the point?” Despite being edited like one, this is not a competition. There is no prize for making it to the end, no winner. Instead of participating for cash, the celebrities are in it for the few-thousand followers it may gain them. That might seem like a measly return when compared to the borderline abuse they have to endure, but hey! These people are all found wanting in the court of public opinion for some reason or another, so it’s actually fun and entertaining to see them humiliated, right? RIGHT?!
With this context, let’s get to the woman we’re all here for: Joelle Joanie Siwa, aka Recruit #3. The premiere kicks off with an unnecessary kidnapping, seeing as everyone signed up to be here, presumably. Sacks are placed over the heads of all the recruits as they ride bumpily up an unpaved hill. They are then shepherded to a cliff-edge where the sacks are ripped off one-by-one with the flourish of a Scooby-Doo villain reveal. JoJo is one of the few celebrities who’s “unveiling” makes the edit (you go, Jo!). She meets the eyes of the DS who is staring down at her with a deliberately measured expression. He tells her that he “doesn’t like her” for no reason at all, and she nods, proud to be acknowledged. One thing about JoJo: she understands that to survive this show she must treat it as if it were one long audition for the starring role of “underdog” in basically any sports biopic. This will no doubt make her a producer darling.
After the DS is done growling at her, we get our first look at her confessional. I know what you’re all wondering—what is she wearing?! If Drag Race has taught us anything, it’s that we can learn a lot about a contestant from their confessional look. Here, JoJo has chosen a muted sequined button-up—instead of pink and yellow, it’s a stormy dark blue and purple. Forgoing her iconic high-pony, she’s gone for two space buns, fastened with black ribbon. These choices scream: I’m serious! But I’m also JoJo :) It’s in this getup that she tells us why she’s here—she’s done being treated like a kid. Ironically, as a kid JoJo was yelled at on TV by emotionally stunted adults…and now, as an adult, she’s…well, you get the picture.
The recruits first challenge is to walk across a scaffolding-like structure suspended over water. It’s during this challenge that we see JoJo’s gameplay is working—she’s absolutely getting the main character edit. As each recruit makes their attempt, the camera cuts back to JoJo “practicing” (walking on the flat earth with her arms spread out???), building up suspense for her eventual turn on the course. However, when they finally call out her number, her turn comes and goes with little fanfare. She doesn’t make it across, falling at the halfway point. What she does do is a little splits-kick thing (yes, she’s a dancer) while climbing down the ladder—a move that does not impress DS Foxy, who tells her she needs to take this seriously. Behold, narrative tension! Here we have a recruit who has got the potential, if she can only focus and grow up! They will certainly milk this storyline for alllllllll it’s worth in the next however many episodes.
After, they are escorted back to their quarters—a bare-bones cabin with small cubbies and cots. The recruits settle in and look through their knapsacks. JoJo seems extremely concerned about the inclusion of a compass, which she doesn’t know how to use. Nick Viall (repeat Bachelorverse offender) tells her to simply point the compass north. I admittedly don’t know how to use a compass (I learned the term “cardinal directions” in 2017), but this seems like an oversimplification, no? It’s around this time that JoJo’s name gets called over the camp’s loudspeaker, summoning her outside to where a DS is waiting with…you guessed it! A sack to place over her head. In a turn of events that made me super uncomfortable, he tells her to place her hands against the building’s exterior wall and spread her legs before he blindfolds her. Why he couldn’t just place the bag over her head without these concerning directives, I don’t know. It’s just a silly little military thing, I guess.
After leading her down a short hallway, he deposits her in an interrogation room where Foxy and DS #2 (sorry, I only remember the name Foxy) are waiting to perform “tactical questioning.” Foxy tells Jojo, “the way you are…it doesn’t always work out.” This is both terrifyingly ominous and incredibly vague. Doesn’t work out how? Are they suggesting it may lead to death or simply social ostracization? Everything is so grave with these guys! She then goes onto explain that her number one goal in life is to make people smile. She says this while crying. She starts to explain Dance Moms and Foxy stops her, “your mom has been doing all of this with you?” JoJo cries harder and for a moment I really thought that she might start to unpack the trauma of being forced to perform on TV at the age of nine…but no! This is not a place for healing, despite how many recruits claim that’s why they’re here. Instead, JoJo says her mom is her best friend and she misses her. Foxy and the other DS are suddenly understanding, reasonable people. They tell her that they want to know who she is as an individual. Rich, since they have replaced her name with a number and just moments ago told her that her “personality” is holding her back.
I have to pause here and say that I really do not understand this kind of tough-love dichotomy that American reality television seems so obsessed with. We’ve seen it in everything from America's Next Top Model, to The Biggest Loser, to Dance Moms. This idea that the person who screams at you the loudest, pushes you the furthest, breaks you down to the most minuscule version of yourself, is really the one who loves you the hardest—the one who is rooting for you! It’s pervasive and poisonous. You profess to care about me and yet you tear me down every chance you get? Why? For what reason? And then, those who choose to stand up for themselves by leaving the abusive environment are labeled “weak,” “quitters.” How awful! America’s psyche? Fucked up!
Anyway, after her interrogation, JoJo tells us that whenever she is upset, she sets a timer and allows herself to be sad until it goes off. (Jeez!) She doesn’t tell us how long she gives herself, but it’s over just in time for the group’s next challenge, which is to pick a rock from a pile and then complete a number of exercises while carrying it. This is where the episode ends, with the tired, red-faced recruits physically and mentally exhausted. All in all, JoJo features heavily so far, so if you’re a Siwanator, chances are you’ll see a good bit of her in the season. But if I’m being honest? I’m rooting for her to turn in her badge and make a quick escape in her JoJo-mobile.
This was a JoJo spotlight, but you may be wondering…what other celebrities signed up for this? Below I briefly break down the who/why of Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test S2.
Tara Reid (Actress): Tara is the first celebrity we see interviewed, and she’s coming in hot like your chain-smoking aunt who’s seen some shit (and no doubt, she has).
Angela White aka Blac Chyna (Model & Entrepreneur): Angela wants us to know that she’s no longer Blac Chyna, but she tells us while saying “Blac Chyna” approximately 31 times in quick succession.
Ex-Mr. Megan Fox aka Brian Austin Green (Actor): The first thing Brian tells us is that he “likes himself.” He later starts beef with Angela in their quarters for absolutely no reason, which is absolutely what someone who likes themself would do! It all checks out.
Tom Sandoval (Vanderpump Rules star): The “Scandoval” did a real number on Tom and now he “wants to get punished.”
Jack Osbourne (The Osbournes star): Was “in high school when 9/11 happened.”
Savannah Chrisley (Chrisley Knows Best star): Her parents being sent to federal prison has really hardened her.
Tyler Cameron (The Bachelorette star): Tyler hopes that this show will teach him what things are like for his brother in the Army…I’m sure his brother agrees.
Unfortunately the rest of the cast were not allowed to speak in any substantial way during the episode but here are their names!
Erin Jackson (Olympic speed-skater)
Robert Horry (Former NBA player)
Bode Miller (Olympic skier)
Nick Viall (Bachelor/Bachelorette star)
Kelly Rizzo (Influencer)
Dez Bryant (former NFL player)
You can (but probably shouldn’t) watch Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test when it airs Monday nights on FOX or on Hulu.
This review should win every award on earth -- I'm cackling my dam face off
never knew her names wasnt just JoJo... i love to learn !